This image was taken by the great photographer Ajpscs. I choosed it for this post,because this image is all that I am; the mix of colors,designs,embroidery,the extravagance,the eccentric,the courage to be free and authentic.
All my life,I've been suffering for being like this. And I don't want to keep it only for myself anymore,this silence has been crushing my soul. Every time I walk on the streets. Every time I talk to people. Every time I look to the society and see,that there is no place for me.
It is not only about dressing kimono; or the way I dress for everyday's life; but about how I think,how I see,how I feel about the world around me. It's been a struggle to push away all boundaries from my path,and also to keep my head high without shed a tear.
I love kimono,but everytime I'm about to dressing one,I feel a tremendous sadness,and I didn't know why. It's been like this since the first time I dressed one. In that first time,I cried.
I never understood why,but I think that now I know.
Last week I tried to dress one of my furisode,and I was hesitating to much. I wanted to dress it,but somehow I was afraid. I forced myself to dress it,and then looked to the mirror. Then,all my repressed feelings came out and I understood.
I felt sad,because I knew it would be a hard path to go throught when I first wear a kimono,because I had a dream that will never be accepted,never be allowed; The japanese traditional dance. I wanted to learn it so bad,I felt so passioned about it,but then I realise I had been born in the wrong country,with the wrong minds around me,and also I wouldn't have the chance or the means to do so. It is the real truth. When I dress kimono,I know my mother hates it; she hates Asian cultures and will never approve. She is the only family I had left,and she put me down everytime I dress in kimono or talk about my dream. I think that,somehow inside I fear her disapproving,and can't stand all the people pointing at me in displeasure. I know I'm very strong,and I have been facing all the challenges,but as every human being,sometimes I go down.
I started to look at myself in kimono and criticize myself very badly. Sometimes I even feel that I am unworthy of dressing in it,because I don't know nothing,and also somehow I know it's very hard to make this dream come true,so sometimes I found myself punishing me for that.
I feel that I have a wrong dream,and yet my heart screams and keeps pushing me towards it.
When I dress kimono,I feel an enormous joy,like if my soul was found itselt. I feel that,this is me. Is what I am. I love to touch the beautiful dyed silk,its draws,the beautiful embroidery of an obi,the way I can walk in different geta or zori. All that ritual to dress it perfectly.
I love all that.
I feel sad as well,because I'm alone. I see other countries,where people dress kimono and enjoy walks together,and share their knowledges and feelings with each other. I can't do that,because I am the only one in my country. I have an amazing man at my side,that supports me,helps me in every way he can,and he is the only one that enjoys kimono with me. But you know,a woman always feels the lack of feminine companions with the same tastes and passions,and I always wondered how funny would it be helping someone dressing kimono. I always wanted to do that! ^-^ How funny would it be go for a autumn or spring walk with other people dressing in different kimono and colors! I guess I can just imagine,and maybe someday,I could do that.
Somehow is hard,and I really wish that this sadness will never take advantage of me,and keep me from dressing in kimono,keeping me from being myself. Sometimes I just wanted to know that what I'm doing is not wrong,and as everyone else,I wanted to me a little accepted.
I know all this sounds very weak from a person that is usually so strong like me,but I had to share it,since this feelings were growing to much and I needed to get rid of them.
I hope this new year I feel better,and keep going,to fight for what I believe is the right,and overcome all obstacles.
thank you for reading until the end,